The Blair Bitch Project is the 14th episode of the first season and the 14th overall.
Wakey wakey, Upper East Siders. Spring Break is done and I'm starved for the dish. Were you sunning in Capri or sinning in Croatia? Give me the deets. And has anyone spotted our ex Queen B? Where does the dethroned royalty vacation these days?
Having been recently dethroned as Queen Bee, Blair hesitantly returns to school with the support of Serena, who is struggling to adjust to her new living arrangements with her future step-brother, Chuck, while receiving disturbing packages from an unknown sender. Meanwhile, Jenny's drive to be popular hits an all-new time high when she does something illegal to fit in with her new Upper East Side friends.
Blair dreams herself as Audrey Hepburn at the end of Breakfast at Tiffany's, as she chases her cat, Cat. Nate, who is portraying George Peppard's character, calls her Jenny and says that she doesn't have a cat or anyone. She then wakes up to Dorota opening her curtains and telling her to get up for school, as Serena is coming to walk with her soon. Blair asks her to call and cancel because she doesn't want to go back. At The Palace, Serena finds Chuck smoking in her bathroom. He refuses to leave and she chooses not to shower and let it go. Elsewhere, Jenny walks to school with Penelope, Hazel, Elise, and Is. They discuss how they're going to Socialista to celebrate Jenny's 15th birthday and plan what they're going to order and wear. Is asks Jenny if they're going to stop at ATM so she can pay Penelope back for brunch, but Penelope says she doesn't feel like stopping, so they continue on. Back at The Palace, Serena, Eric, and Chuck go down to the breakfast table where Bart and Lily are waiting for them. Lily comments that Serena didn't shower but she says nothing in reply, just leaves to go meet Blair. Once she's gone, Bart tells Chuck that as his best man, he expects him to behave. Chuck is happy that he was chosen and tells his father that he's honored before proposing a toast to family. At the loft, Rufus fills Dan in on Jenny's trip to Aspen, Colorado with Hazel's family. He admits he hasn't gotten her to say what she wants to do for her birthday yet and Dan offers to get it out of her when he sees her. On the way to school, Blair tells Serena she's really considering home school. Serena fills her in on all the new gossip: Kati's family moved back to Israel and she moved in with the Bass'. She assures Blair that her scandal is well in the past and Blair chooses to believe her. However, when they arrive at school, Jenny, Penelope, and all the other girls dump yogurt on Blair's head as everyone laughs at her. Serena helps Blair inside while Nate watches the whole scene and makes eye contact with Jenny.
Later, he pulls her aside and he tells her that she doesn't know who she's dealing with. He reminds her that Penelope, Hazel, Elise, and Is have been friends with Blair forever and they've completely turned their backs to her. Offended, Jenny says they have things in common because they are friends. Nate says okay, then that she has good aim. On the Met steps, Serena encourages Blair to keep her head up. Blair agrees she's right, then says they should have another person in their crowd. She looks around and notices Chuck, with a shorter blonde guy. Serena recognizes him as Eric and notes that Chuck is trying to torture her. Blair then sees Jenny meet up with the other girls and comments how it's wrong of Jenny to think she's more than their lackey. Elsewhere, the other girls fill Jenny in on Penelope's crush on Nate. They suggest that maybe she could hook the two up, and Jenny says maybe. Meanwhile, Serena tells Blair that the girls are taking Jenny out for her birthday and she was invited but said no because of Blair. She wonders how Serena gets out of everything unscathed and Serena explains that it's because she's nice. She advises Blair to stay positive because she is the real queen, and will eventually be able to take her place back. Elsewhere, the other girls get ready to leave and solidify their plans to have dinner at Butter. Jenny, realizing she can't afford to go out again, says she has a better idea. She approaches Blair and invites her to come to dinner with them. Serena gratefully accepts for her and Jenny walks away. That night, Serena and Dan are making out when Chuck interrupts to say there's a wedding tasting going on downstairs. Dan goes to leave but Chuck says he had a place set for him too. Downstairs, a package is delivered to Serena as they eat. She opens it to find porn DVDs and handcuffs inside. Shocked, she accuses Chuck of sending it and goes upstairs. Chuck denies doing so and Dan offers to throw it out on his way to follow Serena. At Butter, Blair waits for everyone to show up but the waitress finally says it looks like they aren't coming. At Hazel's, the girls all laugh at how humiliated Blair probably is waiting for them to not show. Rufus calls Jenny to ask about her birthday plans and Jenny admits she wanted to be with her friends but can't since she has nothing to wear. While she talks, she wanders the apartment and ends up in Hazel's mother's closet. She hangs up as she stares at the rows of couture in front of her. Back at Butter, Blair orders another drink and dinner before calling 411 to get contact information for Rufus.
The next day, Jenny brings a dress she stole from Hazel's mother to pawn at a consignment store. She asks for a Dolce & Gabbana dress worth $1200 in exchange for the one she brought, and the manager, Betty, agrees to the trade. In Chuck's limo on the way to school, he informs Bart and Eric about his plans for the bachelor party. Once they arrive at St. Jude's, Bart asks for a moment with Chuck alone. Once Eric is out of the car, Bart tells Chuck that he's willing to buy more shares of Victrola in exchange for him behaving better. However, Chuck realizes that the best man offer was a bribe as well. At Constance, Serena calls Blair, who says she's taking the morning off. She asks Serena if Dan is at school and Serena answers that he's on his way. Once they hang up, it's revealed that Blair is at Rufus' art gallery and she introduces herself to him. Meanwhile, a delivery man says he has three cases of champagne addressed to Serena, but she denies ordering it. However, he leaves it at the school anyway and the students all break into it. She makes eye contact with Chuck, realizing he probably set her up for that too. In the courtyard, Jenny is about to show the girls her new dress but walks in on them discussing Hazel's mother's dress being stolen. They explain that the dress was made especially for her by Valentino and is worth $15,000. They also share that the Williams' maid is being accused of stealing it and is going to be fired despite insisting she didn't. Jenny, realizing she messed up, says that maybe it will turn up. In Brooklyn, Blair shares that Jenny is trying to juggle both her past self and new self, not to mention her friends vs. family. Rufus believes her and they begin to plan a way for Jenny to get some relief. That afternoon, Jenny returns to the consignment shop and tries to return the Dolce dress for the Valentino back. However, Betty informs her that once she left, she agreed to it's value and the Dolce is not worth what the Valentino is. She walks away and Jenny calls Nate, where she tearfully asks for $8,000. Shocked, he asks what she needs that kind of money for and she tells him never mind. After hanging up, she takes the dresses into the dressing room and puts the Valentino on under her uniform. She walks out of the store, leaving the Dolce hanging in the dressing room.
At The Palace, Serena returns home and Lily asks for a moment. She tells her that Headmistress Queller called to tell her about the champagne, and Serena blames Chuck for it. Lily wonders why Serena thinks Chuck is responsible for everything but she stands by her statement. However, Bart then enters the room and asks what Chuck has done now. When Lily says nothing, Serena informs him about the champagne incident. At the loft, Jenny enters to find Rufus, Penelope, Hazel, Elise, Is, and Blair waiting to throw her a surprise party. Shocked that they're all there, she hurries to her room to take the dress off before they can see it. Rufus follows her to her room while Blair offers the girls Rice Krispie Treats. Outside The Palace, Serena tells Dan how angry Bart was when he found out what Chuck did. As Dan is sharing about his vacation to see Alison, he sees Nate walking over to them. He asks to see Dan alone for a minute and tells him about Jenny's request for $8,000. Back at the loft, Jenny becomes hysterical as she tries to get the dress off. Rufus tries to help but realizes the zipper is stuck and he'll need a pair of pliers to get it off. The other girls come in to retrieve their wraps and Hazel instantly recognizes the dress as her mother's. Jenny lies that she bought it but the other girls know she's lying. Blair announces that she's leaving but that she has a table at Butter under Waldorf if anyone wants to meet her there. After Blair is gone, the other girls get their jackets and leave too. Afterwards, Rufus demands to know where Jenny got the dress and that he knows she didn't make it because her sewing machine is gone. She admits that she pawned her sewing machine, as well as some jewelry and a lamp because she needed they money to keep up with her rich friends. She confesses that she was sick of eating lunches from home and not being able to go out with her friends, but Rufus says she doesn't need to do that. She argues that he wants her to have no friends and there's not an option for her to have anymore before storming off to her room. Back at The Palace, Serena and Nate sit together after Dan goes home. They become friends again and he goes home. On her way inside, Serena runs into Eric, who gives her an envelope Chuck received earlier for her. She opens it to find a bag of cocaine inside. Back at the loft, Dan arrives home and sees the party decorations. He goes to talk to Jenny, who doesn't want to share the full story of what happened. Dan suggests that they go get ice cream and talk about it another time. Jenny agrees and Dan goes to tell Rufus what they're going to do.
Back at The Palace, Serena confronts Chuck for sending her the coke. She says they need to establish ground rules but Chuck replies that Bart kicked him out of their suite, so he's going back to his own. At Butter, Blair is met by the other girls, who join her at her table. Back at the loft, Rufus tells Dan that he doesn't want Jenny leaving the loft for awhile. Dan goes to tell her that they can't go but finds her room empty. He calls her but she ignores the call, as it's revealed she's at Nate's. She apologizes for asking him for money but then asks for a favor, saying she doesn't want to be alone on her birthday. Back at The Palace, Serena is given the cold shoulder by Eric, who is angry she got Chuck kicked out. She then receives an envelope and is shocked by what she sees inside. Lily sees her expression and asks what's wrong. Serena says nothing and that she'll be back. At Butter, Blair and Is get up to go get more drinks at the bar and while they're gone, Nate and Jenny come by. They take their empty seats and Blair arrives just in time to see the girls agree that Hazel's mother accidentally gave the dress away. Back at The Palace, a knock comes on Chuck's suite door. He opens it to find Serena on the other side, and she apologizes, adding that she knows he didn't send her the gifts. She hands over the envelope, which has a note inside that reads:
Hope you liked your presents! Coming back to town.
After reading the note, Chuck offers to make Serena a drink; as he knows what it means.
- Blake Lively as Serena van der Woodsen
- Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf
- Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey
- Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald
- Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass
- Jessica Szohr as Vanessa Abrams (Credit only, as she does not appear in the episode)
- Taylor Momsen as Jenny Humphrey
- Kelly Rutherford as Lily van der Woodsen
- Matthew Settle as Rufus Humphrey
- Connor Paolo as Eric van der Woodsen
- Zuzanna Szadkowski as Dorota Kishlovsky
- Amanda Setton as Penelope Shafai
- Robert John Burke as Bart Bass
- Dreama Walker as Hazel Williams
- Emma Demar as Elise Wells
- Nicole Fiscella as Isabel Coates
- Moon River by Henry Mancini
- Eucalyptus by The Deadly Syndrome
- Feeling Better by The Teenagers
- Drive Me Crazy by Miss Eighty 6
- On The Run by Classic
- Rippin' Up The Disco by Kylie Minogue
- Sour Cherry by The Kills
Blair: Lady Godiva, my only friend.
Serena: Let's get one thing straight. Our parents may be insisting on blending our households but I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to.
Chuck: Then I suggest you get new handtowels.
Serena: Did you even hear about the dirt that happened over break?
Blair: Who would I have heard it from, Dorota?
Blair: How do you manage to get out of everything unscathed?
Serena: Cause I'm nice? You should try it sometime. Come on, compliment me. Tell me my hair looks beautiful.
Blair: But your hair looks disgusting. Did you even shower?
Lily (on Serena's mail): Oh, don't put your dirty package on the table.
Chuck: If I had a dime for every time I've heard that...
Lily: I thought you may be acting out.
Serena: Right, Mom. I actually woke up this morning and I thought "hm, I'm a little uncertain about my mother's wedding. Why don't I invite the entire junior class out to the courtyard for a champagne toast?"
Is: I don't think she was surprised.
Penelope: What's Blair doing here?
Elise: I don't know. But this party's kind of weird.
Hazel: Weird? It's time for it's induction into the Birthday Hall of Lame.
Is: So not what I pictured when the guy on the phone said loft party.
Penelope: I can't believe we gave up our table for this. Mint mojitos at Socialista... mint Milano's with Jenny's dad.
Is: He's kind of a hottie.
Penelope: Yeah, a hottie dad.
Jenny: Dad, you think you can just send me off to school with a plaid skirt and a MetroCard and everything will be okay.
- The episode title is based off the movie The Blair Witch Project.
- This is the first episode where Jessica Szohr as Vanessa Abrams is listed as a main cast member.
- The closet shown as Hazel's mother's is later shown as Blair's closet in episodes after.
- This episode, and every one after, was broadcast on Monday nights; as opposed to every episode prior premiering on Wednesdays.