Never Been Marcused is the 2nd episode of the second season and the 20th overall.
As summer comes to an end, I'd like to share a few things I've learned about fun in the sun. Gossip Girl's Guide to Summer Fun Tip number one: Don't fall asleep on the job. The best hookups are free of morning breath and awkward conversation. The only thing harder than making up is waking up.
Blair is over the moon that she is dating royalty and has every intention of becoming a royal herself, but a scheming Chuck has other plans for Blair and her new love, Marcus. Serena and Dan agree to keep their recent hook-ups a secret from their friends and family until they figure out what all this means for their relationship. Meanwhile, Nate learns the downside to having an affair with an older, married woman.
After spending the night together, Dan and Serena wake up on the beach together. Not knowing what exactly is happening with their relationship yet, they agree to see each other when they back to the city, and Serena leaves. Meanwhile, Blair and Marcus are taking a bike ride to a restaurant for breakfast. Blair asks Marcus what he is planning to do next, and he answers that he'll go wherever she goes. Once at the restaurant, Blair tells him that she has to get back to the city for school. He agrees to come along, and mentions his parents. Blair announces that she would love to meet the Duke and Duchess; and Marcus mysteriously says that they'll have to see. Blair quickly excuses herself to step outside to call Serena, who is on her way back to Manhattan, and tell her things aren't working out with Marcus, due to his instability about their future. While she talks, Chuck sneaks into the restaurant and sits down with Marcus. After they hang up, Serena arrives at the Hampton Jitney bus stop to find Dan also there waiting. After an awkward conversation, they agree that they can probably be on the same bus without problems and then distance themselves. Back at the restaurant, Blair reenters to find Marcus and Chuck exchanging phone numbers. Marcus explains to her that they made plans to play squash later, and Blair asks to take Chuck aside for a moment. She orders him to stop messing with Marcus; but Chuck argues that he likes Marcus too, and he knows he doesn't have many friends. He leaves the restaurant, and Blair tells Marcus that Chuck and Serena are leaving right away and asks if she can ride back to the city with him. He says yes. At the Archibald's, Nate tells Anne that he's planning to head back to Manhattan that day. She admits to him that the federal prosecutor took Howard's departure as an admission of guilt, and they want to take all their money for restitution. She also confesses that she called her father, William van der Bilt, who was not happy with her helping Howard leave town; and cut her off as a result. Shocked, Nate informs her that he's supposed to be taking care of her, and she says he is. After seeing Catherine calling him, he leaves the house. She leaves him a message saying they're going to have to be more careful when they get back to the city; then takes a call from Marcus, her stepson. They agree to meet for dinner, and hang up. Right after, he and Blair take off for Manhattan.
On the Jitney, Serena and Dan try to stay away from each other; but hook up in the bathroom after she falls onto his lap when the bus hits a bump. Meanwhile, Blair finds out that Marcus is planning on dinner with Catherine, his stepmother, and she invites herself. When he tells her that it was just going to be the two of them, Blair sadly says that he'll be missing her big party. He asks what party she's having, and she explains that every year she has a big back to Manhattan party with all her friends. He agrees to cancel with Catherine and come to the party. Afterwards, she sends an emergency text to Dorota that they have to quickly plan a party. Elsewhere, Chuck and Nate are riding back to the city together. Chuck confides in him his plans to take Marcus out of the picture for a shot with Blair, and Nate is on board with it. After they talk, Chuck receives a call from someone who he tells he'll call when he gets home. Nate tells him not to let him stop his takedown plans, but Chuck says it's not that. In Brooklyn, Rufus arrives home and tours his art gallery, which Vanessa added a cafe to. He's shocked with how wonderful it is, and tells her it's a great homecoming present. In Manhattan, Nate walks into his house to find the FBI taking tally of his family's possessions. After having a brief conversation with an agent, he realizes the severity of the situation and calls Catherine, wanting to talk to someone. Elsewhere, Chuck and Marcus wrap up their game of squash. Chuck asks Marcus if something is up with him, and Marcus admits he's worried about introducing Blair to Catherine because she hates all his girlfriends and sends them running in fear. On the way out, Chuck asks Marcus for his house number; and he gives it to him.
At the Waldorf's, Blair is impressed with Dorota's plans for the party. However, she asks her to remake the guest list, as she's not happy with it. Afterwards, Serena arrives in the penthouse and Blair explains that she's throwing a party to prove to Marcus that she's worthy of meeting his family. Then she asks Serena to invite Dan to come, as he can talk about soccer. At the VDW's, Nate arrives to see Chuck. However, Chuck sends him away, saying he's trying to conduct some business. He explains that he's selling Victrola to impress Blair and compete with Marcus, and he needed to start right away. Once Nate is gone, Chuck asks his lawyer if they'll be done soon, since he told Anne they would have it done that night. At the loft, Dan receives a call from Serena. He tells her that if they do want to fix their relationship, they need to take some space. She sadly agrees, then invites him to come to Blair's party. He agrees to come, and says they can start with the new plan the next day. Back in Brooklyn, Nate goes to see Vanessa, wanting to talk about his dad. While they talk, he gets a call from Anne. She tells him not to worry because she was able to finagle a loan from a family friend. However, Nate quickly figured out it was Chuck who loaned them money. They hang up, and he tells Vanessa he has to go but that he'll be back later that night. Meanwhile, Chuck meets with Catherine, who informs him that she is most definitely interested in Marcus' well being. He prompts her to sit down and hear what he has to say.
At Blair's party, it becomes clear pretty quickly that the whole thing is a bust. Blair spots Dan and drags along Marcus and Serena to meet him. She introduces him to Marcus, then walks off. Serena thanks Dan for coming, then sees an uninvited Chuck entering with Catherine. Blair goes over and promptly insults Catherine, who then introduces herself as Marcus' stepmother. Back at the gallery, Rufus drops by to find Vanessa putting some finishing touches on the cafe. He confides in her that Lincoln Hawk might have the opportunity to go on another tour. Surprised, she says she doesn't mind sticking around while he's gone, but then asks if he really wants to leave again so soon. He admits that he isn't sure yet, because he really did miss being on the road and playing live. Back at the party, Serena tries to console Blair after her humiliation. She goes over to Catherine and tries to apologize, but Catherine isn't interested. She informs Blair that Marcus will never end up with someone as lowly with her. When she's finished, Nate, who has just arrived, comes over. Serena introduces everyone, nervously revealing that Nate and Blair are exes and that Catherine is Marcus' stepmother.
Afterwards, Serena encourages Blair to show Catherine the real her, the Blair without manipulate tendencies, and she'll be fine. Elsewhere, Nate confronts Chuck about loaning the money. Chuck argues that for Anne to even have told him anything about what was happening means it had to have been a really bad situation. Nate angrily says he's going to handle it himself and walks off. He runs right in Serena and Dan making out and asks if they're back together. They play it off, and get into the elevator to leave; then ask Nate if he's coming. At that moment, he gets a text from Catherine telling him to meet her in the library. He goes, and tells her that it's messed up that his ex is dating her stepson. Realizing how messed up it actually is, he tries to end it with her; but she says she knows that their relationship isn't bothering him and asks him to tell her what really is. At the loft, Rufus arrives home and listens to a voicemail from Jenny telling him that Dan is picking her up at the train station and she'll see him at home. He wanders the apartment, musing over Jenny's designs and Dan's writing, as well as family photos. When he's done, he calls the woman organizing the potential tour. Back at the party, Nate has told Catherine everything about his family scandal. She offers to help him out; by giving him money in exchange for having sex with her and keeping their relationship. Meanwhile, Blair is looking for Catherine and finds out from Dorota that she's in the library. She enters the room to find Catherine and Nate having sex on the floor. They quickly stop and Nate leaves the room. Blair asks for a moment with Catherine and tells her that she can see right through her so she better find a way to accept her. She continues that she needs to understand that her and Marcus have real feelings for each other. At the same time, Marcus enters and says that he was looking for Catherine to do damage control before she got to Blair. However, Catherine plays along with Blair's musings and tells Marcus that she thinks Blair is a treat. Marcus is surprised that she approves and leaves with Blair.
At the loft, Dan and Jenny arrive home to find Rufus finishing dinner. They all greet each other and sit down to eat. Dan tells them that he's planning to work his short story into a novel, and Rufus tells a little about his road trip. As he listens to Dan and Jenny talk, he realizes he made the right decision not to go on tour again. At the VDW's, Serena and Blair are having a sleepover. Blair lies to Serena that she was herself around Catherine and she really likes her now. They run into Chuck in the kitchen and Blair asks for a second alone with him. Serena leaves and Blair fills him in on winning Catherine over and informs him that his plan backfired. They say goodnight to each other. At the gallery, Vanessa gets a call from Nate; who apologizes for not coming to the gallery at all. When they hang up, it's revealed that Vanessa decorated the whole place for a date and ordered Chinese. Meanwhile, Catherine gets into the car Nate and hands him an envelope of cash and they take off into the night.
- Blake Lively as Serena van der Woodsen
- Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf
- Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey
- Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald
- Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass
- Jessica Szohr as Vanessa Abrams
- Taylor Momsen as Jenny Humphrey
- Kelly Rutherford as Lily van der Woodsen (Credit only, as she does not appear in the episode)
- Matthew Settle as Rufus Humphrey
- Zuzanna Szadkowski as Dorota Kishlovsky
- Francie Swift as Anne Archibald
- Patrick Heusinger as Marcus Beaton
- Mädchen Amick as Catherine Beaton
- New York I Love You, But You're Bringing Me Down by LCD Soundsytem
- Creator by Santigold
- Boy In a Rock and Roll Band by The Pierces
- Tell Me A Lie by The Fratellis
- Cat Piano by Seabear
Serena: And you really expect me to believe this isn't all about revenge on Chuck?
Blair: Revenge is so twelve hours ago! And just because Marcus happens to be the perfect post Bass palette cleanser, it doesn't mean he isn't a delicious dish in his own right.
Nate (to Chuck): Oh, you know it's love when you start talking like an assassin.
Dorota (on the guest list): But those are your friends.
Blair: Then invite strangers! I have to present myself as a crowned jewel. Surrounded by other smaller, slightly flawed gems, but quality stones nonetheless. And try to round up a couple people who can vote so it doesn't feel like a total high school party.
Serena (to Blair): Well, if you can't find common ground with a dictator I don't know who can.
Blair: Dan! Come meet the Lord.
Dan (to Marcus): Oh, hello, Lord, I'm Dan.
Chuck (on Catherine): I thought you would like to meet my friend.
Blair: Why? So she can warn me about the effects of too much Botox?
Blair: Duchess, I apologize for what I said about the Botox. Your work is flawless. Look, I know you're here with Chuck, and I can only imagine what he's told you. Limo sex, social torture of freshmen, blackmail... but I assure you, there is an explanation for all of it.
Catherine: Save your breath, Blair. Chuck didn't tell me a thing.
Blair and Serena: He didn't?
Catherine: I told him not to bother. None of it makes any difference to me. Because despite your best efforts, which are completely transparent by the way, Marcus is never going to end up with a lowly Waldorf.
- The episode title is based off the movie Never Been Kissed.
- Blair and Marcus have breakfast at Citron, a French bistro which is now closed.
- The dress on the mannequin in Jenny's room is the same dress she wears to Eleanor's fashion show in The Serena Also Rises.
- The photo board in the Humphrey's loft features almost all pictures of Dan and Jenny in the same outfit on the same day.
- This is the first episode to feature the van der Woodsen penthouse, as it was "undergoing renovations" the entire first season.