Inglourious Bassterds is the 17th episode of the third season and the 60th overall.
Every war has it's weapons. But on the Upper East Side, the rules of battle are simple. There are no rules.
Chuck and Blair are faced with the most difficult decision they have ever faced as a couple when Jack tells Blair that she has to sleep with him for Chuck to get the hotel back. Blair decides to do it, but is devastated when she learns the full story. Meanwhile, Serena plans a surprise birthday party for Nate, but Jenny does her best to sabotage Serena’s efforts by keeping Nate away. Elsewhere, Dan and Vanessa’s new relationship hits a bump in the road, when they have to evaluate each others' work.
The episode begins with Nate catching Serena with handcuffs, and asking if they're for his birthday. She says they're Chuck and Blairs's, but wishes him happy birthday anyway. He tries to take her upstairs, but she claims she has to go shopping with Blair for a dress to wear to a charity benefit that night. He's a little disappointed when he learns it's for endangered toads, and Serena reminds him he's having lunch with his grandfather. He goes upstairs to shower, and Dorota comes in to say she feels bad about ignoring Nate's birthday. Serena explains that everyone has to pretend to blow off his birthday so he'll really be surprised at the party she's throwing that night, complete with a game of assassin. Dorota hands over his phone that she stole so he won't check Gossip Girl, and Serena gives her a bag to hide. At The Empire, Jack is emptying the penthouse of all of Chuck's things. Chuck tells him the game has gone on long enough and he wants his hotel back. Jack explains that hurting him is a noble goal, but not as fun since he's not the Chuck he used to be. Chuck asks what his endgame is, and Jack wonders out loud how far one would go to get back their most prized possession. Chuck promises he would sacrifice anything, and Jack replies that there is one thing of Chuck's that caught his eye.
At the VDW's, Eric is deleting friends on Facebook and explaining his love life to Rufus and Jenny. He also mentions an email from Serena reminding everyone to ignore Nate's birthday, and then explains how it's a cover so she can surprise him with a party later. Jenny asks if that means Nate has to sit alone and think no one cares about his birthday, and Eric replies that he'll forgive Serena for being a bad girlfriend for five hours. Jenny quickly gets up, and says she has to go to the fabric store, then leaves. At the loft, Vanessa arrives to find Dan awake after not sleeping all night due to working on his Tisch application. He says he needs to finish his one act script, and Vanessa asks if it's the one he won't show her. She brings out a script for her film class that she's been nervous about showing him, and they suggest they trade to give notes. Dan is hesitant, but does so. They agree to be as honest as possible and that they'll see each other at Nate's party. At the Waldorf's, Jenny arrives to see Nate. She wishes him a happy birthday and gives him a present before asking him out for lunch. He answers that he's headed out with William, and she thanks him again for saving her the week before. Afterwards, Nate decides to cancel his lunch to go out with her. While shopping, Serena vents to Blair about blowing off Nate's birthday. Blair tells her Chuck is sitting down with Jack that morning to try and get the hotel back. Serena assures her that everything will be fine, and Chuck loves her more than The Empire. Serena spots a beautiful gown, and tells Blair to buy it to remind him that he has her; which is worth so much more than the hotel. Blair admires it, and Serena leaves to get things ready for Nate's party. When she's gone, Blair is approached by Jack. She asks why he isn't meeting with Chuck, then says that he will find a way to get the hotel back no matter what. Jack replies that he told Chuck how to get the hotel back, and it wouldn't cost him anything; because all he wants is a night with Blair. She tells him no, and he says he's surprised at how quickly she's denying Chuck the chance to win back the thing that means everything to him. Blair tells him again that they'll find another way, and he reminds her that she has the chance to fix everything and that Chuck would never find out.
At the VDW's, Dan arrives to get some polaroid film from Rufus for the party. Rufus notices something is wrong, and Dan explains that Vanessa gave him a script to read but since they're dating now, he doesn't know if too much criticism is a bad thing; especially since he didn't like it much. At lunch, Nate tells Jenny about the toad gala that night, and that he's disappointed. Jenny agrees, then brings up what happened the week before again. Nate reminds her that she can always come to him, and then she waves over the staff, who sing Nate Happy Birthday while bringing him ice cream. Back at the VDW's, Vanessa meets up with Dan and she notices he read her script. She thinks he didn't like it, but he lies and announces that he loved it. He then asks what she thought about his play, and she says she hasn't read it yet. So he reminds her about the deadline. At the Waldorf's, Serena is stressing about the party set up that is behind schedule. She decides to call William to see if he can stall Nate, but she finds out that he isn't with Nate. Dorota asks where he is, and Serena sends out a text to find out. Back at lunch, Nate tells Jenny he has to go to meet with Serena. Jenny again mentions the week before, and how she has trouble being alone. Nate decides to hang out with her a little longer, and she gets a Gossip Girl blast with an MIA blast asking for tips or pics to find Nate. After she sees it, she asks him to go to a movie and he agrees. Back at the Waldorf's, Chuck and Blair enter the building and she asks how the meeting with Jack went, inquiring especially about what he wanted in return for the hotel. Chuck replies that he wanted something he would never consider and in the elevator, he gets a call from his lawyer, confirming that there is absolutely no other way to get the hotel back, and that Jack is planning to close the hotel. When they arrive in the penthouse, Chuck goes upstairs and Dorota shows Blair that a package and a card came for her. She opens it to find a note from Jack, reading that it's her last chance to save Chuck. Inside the package is the dress from earlier.
At the party that night, Serena is growing more and more concerned with how late Nate is. Eric asks her if there's an progress, then gets a Gossip Girl blast showing Nate getting into a cab with Jenny. He quickly tells Serena that he's going to keep looking and walks away. Blair approaches Serena, and proposes a hypothetical situation where someone could do something to get The Empire back, but she isn't sure if it's going too far. Serena advises her not to cross any moral lines to beat Jack, and Blair agrees. She goes upstairs to get dressed. Meanwhile, Eric calls Jenny to tell her that Nate needed to be at the Waldorf's a long time ago. Dan asks Serena if he should start taking pictures of people, and she says yes. He goes to get Vanessa's polaroid from her bag, but finds his script inside, all written on and criticized harshly. Upstairs, Blair asks Chuck if he's going down to the party. He says his lawyer just told him that since Jack is the legal owner, he has the right to sell it. Blair reminds Chuck of the time he said he could succeed so long as she believed in him, and that they will find a way. He yells at her that there is no way, then quickly apologizes before saying that he is everything Bart ever said he was. He leaves the room, and Blair takes out the box containing the dress from under her bed. Downstairs, Serena vents to Eric about how worried she is that Nate hasn't come yet. At that moment, Nate enters the apartment with Jenny, which Serena notices.
Afterwards, pictures are finished up, and tied with a chain on everyone's necks. Serena explains that to "kill" someone, you take their picture off of them. When you successfully do so, you get all the pictures they had. Whoever has all the pictures at the end wins the game. She finishes that you can't leave the block, but buildings, stores, and restaurants are all fair game. While everyone leaves, Nate thanks Jenny for keeping him distracted. She tells Serena that someone had to keep her company, then saunters off. He then thanks Serena for the party, and she blows him off, sarcastically saying how he clearly had other plans than to be there on time. Nate catches Chuck and asks if he's playing, and he hands over his card, saying it's a formality since he's already dead. In the streets, everyone begins playing the game and having fun. In the lobby of the Waldorf building, Dorota runs into Vanya. He proposes to her, and she immediately accepts. Right after, a girl comes through and takes her photo. Eric then runs into the building and accidentally knocks Vanya over. He apologizes quickly, and is helped up by a cute guy. Eric realizes they just got engaged, and congratulates them. He turns his attention to the stranger, and explains that he's playing a game of assassin. While they talk, he sees Nate walk by the building closely tailed by Jenny. He tells the guy that there is something he has to take care of but will be right back. After he's gone, the guy sees Eric's photo on the ground and picks it up. Back outside, Jenny keeps pursuing Nate. Meanwhile, Dan and Vanessa enter into a face off and while they play, he tells her he knows his script in her bag is marked up. She says that she felt bad since he liked her script so much, and he admits that he lied and didn't find it good. Serena comes by and kills them both, and a hurt Vanessa walks away. Elsewhere, Eric confronts Jenny about what she did with Nate. She insists nothing is going on, and she was just keeping him busy and won't give Nate the wrong impression. He tries to kill her, but she says she can't kill him since he's dead. He argues that he isn't, but then notices his photo is gone.
In the door of a restaurant, Serena and Nate end up face to face. She says she knows that he thought she blew off his birthday, but she's mad that he ignored her to spend the day with Jenny. Nate replies that something messed up happened to her, then explains that she was roofied and left at a bar alone. Serena apologizes for jumping to conclusions, and asks to kiss him before she kills him. While they kiss, Jenny sneaks up and kills Serena, who says that it's now only her and Nate left, before leaving. Back at the Waldorf's, Serena asks Chuck if he's seen Blair. He replies that she's probably playing, and Serena says she can't be since her picture is on the table, but she's probably cheating. Chuck then gets up and quickly runs upstairs to Blair's room, where he finds the note and empty box under her bed. At The Empire, Blair enters Chuck's former suite dressed in the dress. She tells Jack that she isn't there for him, but to get the hotel back and to make sure of it, she made a contract. She explains that he'll tell Chuck that toying with him isn't worth losing Bass Australia over, and he'll sell the now devalued hotel back at a profit to derail suspicion, then hands him a pen. Jack signs, and says he can be happy now that he has officially had everything that matters to Chuck. He decides to make them drinks before anything else. Back at the restaurant, Nate and Jenny keep trying to kill the other. They end up in the basement, and Jenny closes them inside. Back at the party, Dorota is showing off her ring to everyone and Serena congratulates them. Eric asks if she knew the guy in the lobby, but she isn't helpful. Meanwhile, Dan apologizes for what he said to Vanessa but that the script does need work. She replies that while he's an amazing writer, he's at his best when he writes what he knows. They make up, and kiss. Back in the restaurant basement, Jenny tells Nate she should let him win. She slowly walks up to him but right when he's about to take her photo, she kisses him and takes his photo. Stunned, he says nothing while she leaves.
Back at The Empire, Blair quickly grows tired of Jack's stalling and tries to move it along. He kisses her, and says that's all he wanted. She says that since she fulfilled her duty, he can't go back on his word. He replies that Chuck will get his hotel back, but only because he chose on his own to give Blair to Jack. Confused, Blair says there's no way that could happen, but Jack answers that he knew which buttons to push to get her to do it and his credit card receipts will answer everything. Back at the Waldorf's, Nate and Jenny are in the elevator up to the penthouse and he asks what just happened. He tells her that them hanging out was just as friends, and she says she knows. They arrive upstairs, and Jenny announces that she won. In the lobby, Blair enters the building to find Chuck. She asks him if Jack was lying, but he doesn't deny anything. He says he couldn't have asked her to help because Jack would have figured out they were working together and he did what he had to to win. She starts crying, and replies that all she ever did was love him. He reminds her of the time she promised to stand by him through anything, and she says that she never thought the worst thing he would do would be to her. He replies that she went there on her own, and she slaps him before walking away. Upstairs, the party is slowly dying, and Serena and Nate head upstairs together. Jenny jealously watches, and Eric asks if she's ready to go. She says she's done, then corrects herself to say she's ready to go. At NYU, Vanessa is approached by Willa, who has a delivery for her. She adds that she didn't know she was applying to the Tisch writing program, and Vanessa says she's not really telling anyone. Willa advises her that there's only a few spots for NYU transfers, and she hopes she gets in. Back at the Waldorf's, Eric and Jenny are about to leave when the elevator door opens and the guy from earlier enters. He brings Eric is photo, and he asks how he knew what apartment he was in. The guy says he started from the first floor and worked his way up. They introduce themselves, and it's revealed that his name is Eliot. Upstairs, a devastated Blair takes the dress off and sobs. At The Empire, Chuck enters his suite to kick Jack out. Jack asks if he's mad that he told Blair, but Chuck is confident he and Blair will be fine. Jack assures him that now that Blair has seen what he's capable of, it's over. He leaves, telling Chuck he hopes his hotel is the only thing he ever wanted because it's all he has now. Once he's gone, Chuck discovers the contract on the table, and realizes what exactly he just did.. and lost.
- Blake Lively as Serena van der Woodsen
- Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf
- Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey
- Chace Crawford as Nate Archibald
- Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass
- Jessica Szohr as Vanessa Abrams
- Taylor Momsen as Jenny Humphrey
- Kelly Rutherford as Lily van der Woodsen (Credit only, as she does not appear in the episode)
- Matthew Settle as Rufus Humphrey
- Connor Paolo as Eric van der Woodsen
- Desmond Harrington as Jack Bass
- Zuzanna Szadkowski as Dorota Kishlovsky
- Aaron Schwartz as Vanya
- Megan Guinan as Willa Weinstein
- Luke Kleintank as Eliot Garfield.
- Pop the Glock by Uffie
- Everything, Everyday, Everywhere by Fabolous & Keri Hilson
- Bored (2011 Version) by The Shoes
- Heart by Bertie Blackman
- Caked Up by Hot Pink Delorean (feat. Hollywood Holt)
- Brains by Hollywood Holt
- Topsy Turvy by Scotland Yard Gospel Choir
- Make Believe by The Burned
Serena (to Blair on a dress while shopping): Once Chuck sees you in it, he'll realize Empire or no Empire, Blair Waldorf loves him. And no one else can say that.
Jack: Taking what belongs to Chuck has become a real passion of mine.
Rufus: Well, telling a woman you like her clothes isn't lying. It's self preservation.
Dorota (to a caterer): No cookies like hearts! Find bullets and knives and little bombs that go boom!
Chuck (to Blair): Back from shopping and no packages? Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?
Blair: Serena! Come here. You've done some unforgivable things, like having sex with Nate when we were saving ourselves for each other or killing Pete Fairman, but how far is too far? Where is that place you can't come back from anymore?
Dorota: What are you doing here? I will be killed if someone find me.
Vanya: Who would want to kill you? Anti royalists from Russia??
Dorota: No, in game.
Vanya: Then I must do something before you die. Dorota, from the moment I saw you, I knew you were princess. And ever day, you make me feel like king. Will you marry-
Dorota: Yes yes! Of course I will marry you!
Jack (after the kiss): Don't worry, Chuck will get his hotel. But contrary to what you may believe, I prefer the woman to want to have sex with me.
Blair: I don't understand. If you don't want me then why did you set this up?
Jack: I told Chuck I'd take either you or the hotel. He chose to give me you.
Blair: No.. what are you talking about? Chuck doesn't know anything about this.
Jack: Really? Because it seems to me he knew exactly which buttons to have me push. Said you wouldn't be able to resist stepping in to save him behind his back.
Blair: You were there while I was shopping. You're the only one who saw this dress.
Jack: And who do you think sent me to that store? I'd never drop that kind of money on a dress. My goal was to destroy Chuck. But now that he has you, I had to break that bond.
Blair: Chuck would never do this to me.
Jack: If you don't believe me, check his credit card receipts. I'm sorry Blair. Just be grateful at least one of the Bass men has some moral integrity.
Blair: Please tell me Jack was lying. You wouldn't betray me like that.
Chuck: Me betray you? You're the one who just came from seeing my uncle!
Blair: I went there for you. Because I thought it was the only way to save your hotel. I would've done anything to help you. All you had to do was ask.
Chuck: If I had asked, it wouldn't have worked. You would have been too willing when Jack came to you, and he would have known we were working together. I did what I had to to win.
Chuck: I can't let my feelings cost me all that I've built.
Blair: Even if it means losing me instead. All I ever did was love you.
Chuck: The worst thing I ever did. The darkest thought I ever had. You said you would stand by me through anything. This, Blair, is anything.
Blair: I never thought the worst thing you would ever do would be to me.
Chuck: You went up there on your own.
Blair *slaps him*: Goodbye, Chuck.
Chuck: You may have told her, but Blair and I will get through this.
Jack: Is that what you think? Don't you get it Chuck? Blair has seen the real you now. It's over. She could never love that. No one could. Hope The Empire is everything you wanted. Cause now it's all you got.
- The episode title is based off the movie Inglourious Basterds.
- It's revealed that Nate's birthday is April 5th.
- This episode is the first appearance of Eliot Garfield.